


Can I ask you something?

by Belsmomaus



Series: Never Forgotten [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Dori's and Ori's point of view, Family, Nightmares, lots of guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-19
Updated: 2013-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-15 12:19:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Belsmomaus/pseuds/Belsmomaus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ori wants to know what had happened back then when Smaug attacked Erebor. No harm done, just a little question, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can I ask you something?

**Author's Note:**

> Same 'universe' as Never forgotten, so don't pay to much notice to the timeline. I know that it doesn't fit, but it needed to be written ;-)

 

Uneasy Ori stood in the door and watched his older brother Nori who sat cross-legged in front of the fireplace and ground his knifes methodically – and he had more than a few.

Should he really have the nerve to do it?

But if not now then when?

He could ask Nori for sure. He always told this amazing stories of his adventures while Dori only sat beside him with this grim expression and interrupted him time and time again with remarks like “he’s too young for that” or “don’t you dare put a bee in his bonnet with all your trickery”. Besides, Dori was still in the kitchen doing the dishes from dinner.

And with Nori he had no idea how long he would stay. He loved his older brother and it made him sad each time when he suddenly and out of the blue vanished just like he’d arrived.

No, Ori had to give it a go. Here and now.

With naked feet and already in his night clothes Ori tiptoed quietly into the room. It wasn’t big, only the fireplace with an old but comfortable armchair in front of it and a more or less matching couch and a dining table at the other end of the room. Ori’s bedroom was opposite of the living room – actually only a closet, but Dori had arranged it as cosy as possible. Down the corridor was a small bathroom, Dori’s bedroom – not much bigger either – and the kitchen.

“Didn’t Dori already send you to bed?” asked Nori out of nowhere.

Startled Ori stopped and looked – caught in the act – at his brother, who’d turned his head in his direction and grinned roguishly. That look in his eyes made him relax immediately. Nori wouldn’t blow the whistles on him.

Nori frowned – Ori thought that looked really funny with his braided eyebrows. “Did you try to sneak up on me?”

Ori bit his lip and shook his head.

His brother grinned that mischievous smile again that always got Dori into a fuss. “Good, ‘cause that would’ve been pathetic.”

Actually he’d thought that he’d done a _good_ job at creeping up on him, but on the other hand this was Nori not Dori. Nori had a sure feeling for something like this; you couldn’t fool him that easily – something Ori was very proud of, because he knew nobody else who was as cunning as his brother Nori.

Nonetheless a bit crestfallen due to his obvious failure at tiptoeing he headed for the armchair and sat down.

“Can I ask you something, Nori?”

This time Nori’s gaze never left his knife, the whetstone in his hand slid over the blade in smooth movements.

“Of course, little one.”

Nori always called him “little one”, mostly to tease him. But that wasn’t important at the moment and Ori actually kind of liked it. He braced himself and…

“What happened exactly when Smaug attacked Erebor?”

He’d barely finished when Nori suddenly let go of the whetstone hissing as if he’d burned himself and abruptly put his thumb in his mouth. With his other hand he grabbed the polishing cloth and finally pressed his thumb into it. Ori could see a little bit of blood. Nori’d cut himself. That _never_ happened before.

The glance his brother darted at him was strange and he couldn’t really pin it down. In any case, Nori had never looked at him like that.

“Why do you ask?”

The odd reaction of his brother made him nervous again. But he’d gotten so far, now he had to see it through.

“I met Fíli and Kíli today. In the toymakers store. And they told me, that their uncle had told them of that day, how he’d saved his grandfather, the king, and…”

_____

_Ori followed Dori into the shop of the toymakers, he’d been looking forward to it the whole day. His brother had promised to buy him something a while ago and Ori wanted nothing more than one of this big amazing pictures that you buy in lots of separate parts to put them all neatly back together, piece for piece, with nothing to be guided by except for the shape of  and the little image section on the wooden pieces. His eyes already looking for these pictures he stepped into the shop, all the while trying to not mind the uncomfortable fit of his boot._

_Nori’d come back a few days ago and had brought him, apart from lots of sweets and great new stories, this little knife. His first weapon! Dori’d gotten terribly angry about it and had forbidden him to wear it. But Nori’d only said that a knife was always useful and one could never know when one would need one. Therefore you should always have one with you, ideally somewhere where others couldn’t see it, so that the moment of surprise was always on oneself’s side. So Ori had put the knife in his boot, just like he’d watched Nori do it. And now he didn’t want to admit – even to himself – that it rubbed uncomfortably at his ankle._

_Besides, he couldn’t ask Nori at the moment if he did something wrong, because he’d headed to the weapons dealer to – like he’d phrased it – ‘inspect their new merchandises’ instead of accompanying them. Whatever was wrong with that, it had only contributed a cross and sceptical look from Dori again._

_“Oh, Lady Dís, what a joyous surprise!”_

_Only now did he notice the female dwarf who already stood at the counter and chatted with the toymaker. Ori had heard her name before, of course, and he also knew, that this dark haired lady with the friendly laugh and those incredibly blue eyes was the sister of Thorin, their king._

_She greeted back and Ori gave her a polite, but also shy, nod. After all she was kind of a princess, wasn’t she? He had no idea how to behave in such a situation. And she was female. He knew even less how to behave around them. There’d never been a female dwarf in his life, only his brothers._

_But luckily he didn’t need to think about that further, ‘cause the adults started a conversation and something tugged at his sleeve._

_“You’re Ori, right? Come on, over there are the best toy-weapons ever!”_

_“Aye, and maybe we find there what we’re looking for.”_

_Out of the blue he was facing Dís’ sons – the heirs of king Thorin, blond Fíli and dark haired Kíli. He didn’t knew them very well, but he felt less insecure around them than with Lady Dís or Thorin himself, after all they were only marginally older than himself and not one bit kingly, if one believed the stories about their pranks to be true._

_He followed them even though the toy weapons held not much interest for him. The two of them seemed to be searching for something between wooden swords and shields. There were also armaments and cloaks and all kinds of different things._

_“What are you looking for?” he asked, maybe he could help them find it._

_Kíli paused shortly and glanced at him excitedly. “We’re looking for something we can use as a dragon.”_

_Startled Ori made a step back. “As a dragon?” he repeated uneasy and tentatively. It wasn’t much he knew about dragons, Dori’d only told him that they were mighty and vicious creatures who loved gold above all else. Und that such a dragon – Smaug – had stolen their home and claimed their gold._

_Kíli nodded enthusiastically. But why the thought of a dragon almost sent him into euphoria was incomprehensible for Ori. He was scared by the mere thought. He’d seen a picture once and dragons were gigantic and could spit fire and burn everything down with it. They were eerie._

_That’s when Fíli pulled out a rudely carved horse head on a long staff. Obviously it was meant as some kind of imaginary riding animal. Did kids really play with such stuff? “This could work, don’t you think, Kíli? If we change the head a bit?”_

_Kíli surveyed it. “You’re better at carving, you’re doing it. And I can paint flames around his nostrils.”_

_Fíli grinned. “Good idea. Then we only need a cloak like this one to wrap it around as a body.“_

_Kíli grabbed a green cloak and put it over the staff to assess the effect. Both brothers looked at each other and smirked broadly. With this picture in front of him Ori inevitably wondered for a moment why his brothers couldn’t be like that. Dori only ever reprimanded and criticized Nori for something and Nori always tried to annoy and spite Dori. That went on until they started arguing and screaming and railing at each other only to give one another the silent treatment coupled with angry glares._

_“What do you think, Ori?” asked Fíli suddenly._

_Taken by surprise Ori behold the horse-head-cloak-figure and imagined it as a dragons head with fire around the nostrils. He didn’t like the image his mind conjured._

_“Wh… why do you want to put together a dragon?”_

_“Well, to re-enact of course,” retorted Kíli at once. “You know, the story about Smaug and Erebor. And I’ll play uncle Thorin, how he saved the king from the dragon!”_

_Corresponding to his words he threw himself into a pose with a wooden sword. Fíli just laughed. “Who told you, you could play uncle? I’m older than you.“_

_Kíli distorted his mouth stroppy and folded his arms although his sword got in the way. “But I look more like him!”_

_But Ori didn’t quite listen anymore. His brother Dori had only told him, that the dragon dispelled them and now lived in Erebor – he’d never heard Nori talk about the dragon at all, let alone about Erebor – but Fíli and Kíli knew more about it._

_And Ori loved stories, even if they were about a scary dragon. He wanted to know more._

_“Your uncle really saved the king?” he asked awestruck._

_Fíli and Kíli both looked at him and Kíli abandoned his stubborn stance again. They nodded._

_“And… and he told you that?”_

_Dori always said that he was too young for such things – whatever he meant with ‘such things’. But Fíli and Kíli were obviously already allowed to know._

_Kíli nodded immediately, Fíli a little bit later, too._

_“Yes, uncle Thorin told us.” Kíli looked around and then closed the distance between them to whisper conspiratorially. “Smaug came out of nowhere. First there was only wind, but uncle realized what was happening and called for the guards. It destroyed the whole city of men before it turned towards Erebor. Uncle said it broke the main gates apart as if they’d been glass. It must have caused terrible havoc and killed lots of dwarves.”_

_Fíli nodded. “He told us, that he quickly realized that there could be no victory. So he’d tried to save his family. His grandfather hadn’t wanted to leave his treasures behind, so he had to drag him out of the mountain. And all that time he hadn’t known where our mother had been and he couldn’t have searched for her because his grandfather might have run back into the mountain then.”_

_“And he also said,” Kílis eyes darkened at his next words, “that these elfish cowards were there, with a whole army, but they didn’t come to help. Although they’d been allies. I wish I’d been there! Then I would’ve showed this elven king what…“_

_„Boys! Where are you? If you really want something, then hurry up. I have a lot of preparations to do for this evening, so… come on, get going!”_

_Both brothers exchanged quick glances, grabbed horse and cloak, shouted ‘till next time’ back at him and vanished in the direction of their mother._

_And Ori remained with images of dragons and mountains and flames and torn families. But despite these creepy images he was jealous. ‘Cause their uncle had told them what had really happened, not just superficial information, but what had happened to him. They knew a part of their family history that he was denied because Dori thought him too young._

_Little did he know that they had secretly been eavesdropping when their uncle had talked to his friend and advisor Balin._

_______

“Their uncle’s told them everything from that day and I… I want to know, too. I want to hear your story. I want to know, where you and Dori have been when Smaug came. Please Nori!”

With hopeful eyes Ori looked at his brother, who’d listened patiently. And now he considered him with this strange look.

Contrary to Nori he hadn’t noticed Dori meanwhile standing in the door, also listening. Dori was about to open his mouth when Nori answered – and raised his eyebrows in surprise, speechless.

“Ori, I… don’t think that… a story like this is not for you. Not yet.”

„But…,“ Ori grumbled resentfully, „but Fíli and Kíli were allowed to hear it and they aren’t so much older than me!“ His bottom lip trembled a bit. He hadn’t expected a rejection like that, not from Nori.

His brother cast an insecure glance back over his shoulder to the door. When Ori followed his gaze he saw Dori standing there. Startled and caught he made himself instinctively smaller than he was to wait for his telling-off. But it didn’t come.

Nori sighed instead and beckoned him onto the floor by his side with a small smile, but his eyes didn’t twinkle like they normally did when he smiled at Ori. With a timid glance to his oldest brother he stood up and sat down next to Nori on the bearskin in front of the fireplace. In the meantime Dori had taken his place in the armchair and Nori had put his knifes aside. They seemed to carry on a whole conversation over his head by just looking at each other. Ori had never seen such a thing, not with _his_ brothers who’d _never_ held much sympathy for one another.

Nori neither put him on his lap nor did he put a conspiratorial arm around his shoulders like he usually did when telling him stories. This time he just gave him that serious look with his green eyes.

“What has Dori told you so far?” he wanted to know.

Ori didn’t need to think about it and excitedly stammered forth everything he’d ever learned from his oldest brother. Should he really get to know more? It almost seemed like it when Nori started speaking:

“Erebor was a tremendous mountain. It stood utterly alone in the plain and was the home of countless dwarves. It housed a whole city, a kingdom. The whole mountain was permeated by veins of gold and myriads of gems; an immeasurable wealth. The entrance hall alone was larger than anything here in the Blue Mountains let alone the throne room. You could see down into the depths of Erebor from its bridges and archways.”

Marvelling Ori soaked up every word, eyes wide and his mouth slightly ajar. He had no problem to imagine all these things his brother was talking about, not with his fertile imagination. And what magnificent images they were.

Nori’s gaze got sombre. “But then came Smaug. He destroyed the gates and the entrance hall in the blink of an eye and chased us away, out of the mountain. There was no point in fighting, not against a dragon. And so we flew.”

Ori still hang on his older brothers every word even though he didn’t tell much more than he already knew. But maybe… “Were you there?”

Nori stared straight into the fire. This strange expression was back in his eyes when he nodded. And Ori noticed for the first time what it reminded him of: the way Nori looked he himself felt sometimes when he was scared and didn’t dare looking behind because something could lurk behind him in the dark. But that wasn’t possible! Nori wasn’t scared. Never.

„Did you see the dragon?“ Ori whispered half anxious half awestruck.

Again Nori nodded. “He was huge and incredibly strong. And nothing could penetrate his scales as hard as they were.”

Ori wanted to know more. Just like Fíli and Kíli he wanted to hear what had happened to his brothers who have been there. Who had even seen the dragon.

“And what did you do then, Nori?”

His brother turned his face in his direction and looked at him closely after a short glance at Dori. His face was so terribly serious in marked contrast to his usual self. Normally Nori grinned a lot and he was the first to laugh at a joke. But now… maybe he shouldn’t have asked all these questions.

“I’ve been looking for Dori to get him out of there. Luckily I was able to find him. And then we ran. We just ran until we were outside.”

Ori frowned. „You? Together?“ That couldn’t be true, could it? They always only argued. He couldn’t imagine them doing anything together.

That’s when Dori chipped in, who’d leaned forward in his chair to brace his elbows onto his knees. “Of course, Ori. We’re brothers and family is the most important thing after all. Nori had saved my life that day.”

Ori opened his eyes wide, surprised. He hadn’t expected that. Nori had saved Dori? Really?

One look at his brothers showed him Nori, eyes turned away and lips pressed together, and Dori scrutinizing his younger brother almost… concerned.

“But Dori was the one bringing us both to safety,” Nori noted oddly toneless.

Ori got confused. Hadn’t Nori saved Dori? „How so? I don’t understand…“

And again it was Dori speaking. “Nori was injured back then.”

Startled and worried Ori turned to his older brother who still stared into the fire. But this time he noticed that Nori rubbed his left hand with the fingers of his right one. The hand where his skin looked lighter and thinner at some small places.

“What happened?” Ori asked apprehensive. Feeling the sudden urge to be close to his brother he placed his hand on Nori’s right forearm.

The story was so thrilling and scary because it was true. His brothers had helped each other and his usually unswerving Nori who never came to harm had been hurt. He wanted to know more and at the same time he didn’t.

Again it was Dori who answered, but only after worriedly watching Nori’s rubbing fingers for a while. “Nori’d been hit hard on his head. And you remember how dizzy one can get after hitting one’s head, don’t you?”

Ori nodded. He remembered quite well. He’d used a chair as ladder to reach the cookies Dori’d hid but the chair had tipped over and Ori had hit the back of his head against the floor. It’d hurt quite a bit for a few days and it had been bleeding awfully. He’d been dizzy and nauseous all the time and had been barely able to walk without aid. That had happened to Nori when Smaug had attacked?

“I helped him and we both ran outside. We only had the things on our bodies left, but we had each other.”

Dori’s voice sounded different and he watched Nori with this look that was at least equally strange as Nori’s staring into the fire. Ori couldn’t make sense of it, but he didn’t dare asking. There was something to this look, an intensity that prevented him from doing it.

Finally Dori rose. “Well, I think that was more than enough for today. Off to bed with you!”

Obediently Ori stood up and kissed his older brother good night onto his cheek. “Night, Nori.”

“Good night, little one.” His voice was unusually hoarse.

But Dori pushed him away gently and a short time later he was in his warm bed. Dori kissed his brow and wished him a good night and pleasant, dragon-free dreams.

He lay awake for a while. But it wasn’t the dragon that kept him from sleep it was the atypical behaviour of his brothers and their story. So they liked each other after all, somehow, even though they almost never showed it.

And finally despite all his musings Ori fell asleep.

_____

His eyes shot open and he sat up in bed. Ori’s gaze swept hectically across the room, but he couldn’t find anything out of place. It was dark except for the barely noticeable red glow of the dying fire in the living room from under the door. But something had woken him up. Something…

He felt anxious. As if he should actually know what had rudely awakened him, but had slipped his memory again. But what?

That’s when he heard it.

“Dori? Dori?“

Nori called for their brother. Something must have happened. He jumped out of bed and opened his door with caution apprehensive about what’s going on. Everything was quiet in the corridor. Did Dori not hear him? And what was going on anyway?

Uncertain Ori padded towards the door to the living area; it was slightly ajar. He pushed it open a bit, just enough to peek into the room from around the corner.

The fire was out, but the embers were still hot and cast a warm but oddly gloomy red light on the room.

His brow furrowed all on its own. Here was also nothing…

His gaze fell upon Nori. He lay on the couch that he used to sleep for want of another bed – since Nori spend most of his time apart from his family Dori had removed his bed from the room to replace it with the dining table from their utterly crowded kitchen.

Nori tossed restlessly around and his breathing was laboured. His blanket had mostly slipped from his upper body and instead tangled up between his legs. But his eyes were still closed: he was sleeping.

“Dori?” he called again.

And Ori understood. His brother was dreaming.

But what should he do now? Just go back to bed? Wake him up?

What do you do with an obviously dreaming adult?

Nori moaned loudly.

Ori flinched and ran down the hall to Dori’s room. He’d know what to do. He slipped into the dark room and carefully fumbled his way towards the bed until he could make out the form of his oldest brother.

“Dori? Dori wake up!”

When he didn’t stir at once he nudged his shoulder. “Dori! Please!”

Dori rolled grumbling onto his back and opened his eyes. As soon as he could perceive Ori next to his bed he sighed heavily, one hand tiredly rubbing his eyes.

“I knew you’d be too young for such a story. Trouble sleeping?”

Ori shook his head.

„No, it’s Nori. Please, you have to come quickly.”

Dori frowned, sighed again and finally sat up.

“He’s calling for you, repeatedly. That’s what woke me up.”

That news had Dori listening attentively. With swift and practiced movements he grabbed his dressing gown that always laid out ready on a chair beside his bead. He slipped into it while following Ori into the corridor.

“Dori!”

Ori ran into the room first only to stop next to the sofa while Dori got closer and looked Nori over sympathetically.

“Oh, Nori,” he whispered.

“What’s happening?” Ori anxiously wanted to know.

Dori turned to him. And he looked very tired. “Everything’s alright, Ori. He’s just having a bad dream.”

As if by command Nori’s arm jerked to the side and he cried so full of fear, Ori had never heard anything like it – from no one and least of all Nori: “No! Don’t let go!”

“Ori, please go back to bed. I’ll look after him, okay. Just go back to sleep!”

Ori felt himself nod while staring at his older brother, watching as beads of sweat formed on his brow and as he twitched and groaned. It was scary to see Nori like this, but still, he couldn’t look away.

“Come on, Ori. Please!”

Ori tore his eyes away from Nori and looked at Dori. Again he nodded and headed towards his room. Just away from this. But just as he stepped into the hall he heard Nori mutter, almost sobbing, in his sleep.

“Ori, not you! Not you!”

He stopped dead in his tracks and turned around. And that’s where he stayed, hidden behind the doorframe, peeping into the room past the half opened door.

____

With a sad sigh Dori sat down on the edge of the couch next to Nori’s hip. He hadn’t seen the scene that presented itself in front of him in a very long time and still, it was more than familiar, unfortunately. Throughout their time fleeing and his recovery Nori had been plagued by nightmares. Dori and his mother had eventually started to really worry about him; after all it’d seemed as if Nori was pulled back to that day every night, no matter what they tried. But in the end his dreams subsided, although his brother had increasingly disassociated himself.

When Ori had asked yesterday about _this_ day and _this_ incident, of all things, he had noticed Nori’s behaviour at once. The rubbing of his hand, but especially his eyes.

This look in his eyes that he had learned to interpret long ago. He’d thought of Bragi. Even after all this time he was obviously still unable to get rid of his guilt.

Nevertheless he’d expected Ori to suffer from nightmares after this story, considering his vivid imagination and his inclination to visualise everything, not Nori.

“Nori, wake up!”

He gently grabbed his brother’s shoulder and jolted him shortly, but necessarily.

Nori’s eyes flew open and his upper body shot up into an upright position with a heavy gasp. Wide-eyed his gaze flickered around frantically and his breathing was so fast one would think he’d just sprinted around the mountain.

“Shh! Hey, everything’s okay. It was just a dream, Nori.“

Finally those still confused and almost panic-stricken green eyes found him and he could literally watch how comprehension and relief gained the upper hand again. Nevertheless he felt Nori’s hand unconsciously clutching his at the same moment. He pushed his brother a little bit around gently, so that he could lean more comfortable against the back rest of the sofa.

“You let go,” said Nori in a breathy voice.

The firm grip around his left hand made it more than obvious what Nori was talking about. But before he could react his brother continued: “There were so many. Such pushing and shoving. They pushed you away. And you let go of my hand.“

Dori forced a confident smile on his face and gave his brother’s hand a tight squeeze to let him know that he was here.

“It was just a dream, Nori. I didn’t let you go! And I won’t do it today, you hear me?”

Nori nodded weakly. His breathing was still way too fast and there was still something dark in his eyes, as if the terror of his dream was just lurking beneath the surface. He was a miserable sight at the moment, nothing at all like the cheerful, roguish and vigorous dwarf he usually was.

Suddenly Nori’s eyes turned on him and Dori noticed with horror and sorrow the moisture there.

“Ori was there, too. He was _there_ , Dori! He shouldn’t be there. Not Ori! Not beneath that rock!“ His voice broke.

And just like back at that day in the small side tunnel of Erebor after Nori had saved him and had then collapsed he clasped his little brother in his arms. And like back then he felt Nori trembling when his tears came. On instinct Dori stroked his hair – his hairdo had been ruined by his restless sleep anyway – and whispered mindless but soothing words in his ear.

He knew what he meant with ‘not beneath that rock’. Ori’s questions had ripped open old wounds and Nori’s subconscious had let Ori took Bragi’s place of all things. It’s no surprise that his brother was totally rattled. Despite every assertion to the contrary he knew that Nori blamed himself for Bragi’s death. To see Ori in his place…

Even Dori himself shivered as his mind showed him the burned corpse of his former teacher again, but this time the figure bore a strange resemblance to his youngest brother. Vigorously he forced himself to concentrate on the here and now.

He waited until Nori had calmed down a bit, then he gently pushed him off somewhat to search his red eyed gaze.

“Ori was never there, Nori. He’s in his bed right across the hall and he’s fine. He’d never had to see or live through any of it. He’s fine!”

Nori drew a deep breath. Even a small smile played across his lips for a second.

“And that’s a good thing, too!”

But only moments later Dori felt him tense up again and his features betrayed his unusual tension and anxiety. That was enough to let him know that his brother hadn’t shaken off the dream yet ‘cause only his nightmares let him loose his composure like this, let all those masks he usually hid behind with the greatest of ease crumble into dust.

With one hand Nori grabbed the cuff of his dressing gown.

“You must not tell him! He shall not know, what I… what I did.”

In this exact moment Dori had given everything to take away his brothers guilt.

Nori loved Ori and he knew that he looked up to him. Obviously he feared losing his little brother’s affection.

“Oh Nori,” he sighed heavily. “You made a decision. You couldn’t have saved Bragi, Nori. But you have prevented us from burning to death in dragon fire. Don’t you think Ori would…”

But Nori fiercely shook his head. “No, Dori. Please. I don’t want… he shouldn’t think that I… he’s dead because of me, Dori. I should have helped you when you…”

“You had a concussion. And smoke poisoning,” he insisted.

But one look was enough to know that it was pointless. They’ve had this conversation so often already – even if it’s been a long time ago – but it always came to nothing. Nori was just too stubborn to accept that he had done nothing wrong.

There’s a certain irony in the fact that this one time that Nori acted absolutely right and on instinct was the one time that haunted him till today as a terrible mistake, but all these daily misdoings and transgression that his life style brought with it, they were nothing but fun for him.

“Just don’t tell him, Dori.”

Dori sighed. “As you wish.”

Weary Nori hung his head and Dori leaned his brow against his brother’s with a sad smile.

“I would’ve never left Ori behind,” Nori whispered softly.

“I know.”

They sat a while like that, completely calm, just relishing the closeness and comfort of the other until Nori recovered himself again.

Dori could tell that his brother was feeling better; the way Nori hardly dared looking him in the eye out of shame for his outburst made it very clear to him. He could leave him alone again without having to worry.

At least not more than usually.

“Try to catch some sleep, there’re still some hours of night left.”

Nori nodded without saying anything and laid back, his back turned to Dori. He pulled the blanket up over his shoulder and closed his eyes.

Tired and oddly drained Dori got up and left the room after one last look at the slowly dying out embers.

Just when he was about to close the door he heard his brother’s quiet voice again.

“Thank you.”

He couldn’t help smiling. A ‘thank you’ from Nori was a really rare thing.

“That goes without saying, brother!” he whispered back and took a quick look into Ori’s room. The little one lay in his bed, peacefully wrapped inside his blanket. Satisfied and with a small smile he retired back to his now cold bed.

_____

Dori wasn’t able to find restful sleep that night, not any more. A strange uneasiness was preventing it. He twisted back and forth, dozing, but his mind just wouldn’t find peace. His thoughts drifted around, chaotic and unfocused, between concern for Nori, Nori’s way of life, Ori’s innocent curiosity and of course memories of _back then_. He’d never be able to forget that day, the air stifling with dust and smoke, the hand of his brother firm in his and his own fear.

Fear of maybe never seeing his mother again. But above all, fear of not getting his brother out of that mountain. And later, fear for Nori, fear of him not recovering. Medical equipment and medicine had been hard to come by. Just a few things had been salvaged and way too many needed it. And then they’d always been on the road, at the beginning without tents, barely food and water at hand. They’d had nothing.

That’s when he heard it, a soft and subtle padding sound. Footsteps. Purposely quiet steps. And suddenly he knew why he’d been unable to find any rest. Unconsciously he’d been waiting for this.

With a deep sigh he closed his eyes for a moment and tiredly rubbed them before he silently got to his feet. Again he slipped into his dressing gown and headed for the living room. It was early morning; the sun had yet to rise.

Just the right time to…

And there he was.

Through the gap in the door he could see his brother standing next to the dinner table. He wore his usual clothes, his hair was coiffed and braided and his flamboyant hairstyle back in place. He’d put his left foot onto one of the chairs and just tucked his last knife into his bootleg. The next moment he was already scurrying over to the front door almost noiseless.

Dori didn’t hesitate. He gently pushed the door open.

“You won’t even say goodbye? At least to Ori?” His tone no less grief-stricken than accusatory.

Nori stopped abruptly, his hand already on the door knob, but he didn’t turn around just dropped his head and stared at the ground, apparently.

“He will understand. Someday.”

“Understand?” His anger flared. He knew firsthand how Nori’s sudden disappearances hurt his youngest brother each time, even _when_ he said goodbye. And Nori should also know, considering how Ori was looking up to him. “Each time you make off he’s sitting desolate in his room for days with nothing but his crayons and his cuddly blanket. The ones you gave him. And all that he’s sketching are pictures of YOU! And you think he’d UNDERSTAND when you just vanish without even a goodbye? He’s a kid, Nori. A KID! Even I’m not sure if I understand! All I do understand is that you run off YET AGAIN! That you make yourself scarce as soon as the circumstances become a bit inconvenient for you.”

The only thing that kept him from shouting at his brother in a volume of his liking was the knowledge of Ori sleeping in the next room. So it was more of a lout hissing instead of yelling.

He did it every time. As soon as things were getting too hot for him he disappeared without a whimper. Whether it was because the city guard was intently looking for him or if unwelcome memories did catch up with him. If it weren’t for Ori he wouldn’t come back at all, Dori was quite sure of it.

But he didn’t feel as certain as he’d pretended regarding the question if Nori really ran from something. For a long time he didn’t doubt that Nori tried to outrun his past. His memories, his responsibilities, his guilt. But now Dori wondered if maybe he was searching for something. A meaning. Something to give him security. Something to get him some peace.

Dori wasn’t sure. Maybe it was a little bit of both.

„Please don’t go.“

The desperation in that thin little voice which shouldn’t even be there wrapped around his heart like a noose and tightened.

He could see Nori tensing up and slowly turning around. And for a split second there was this expression in his eyes, like a chivvied animal in a tight corner.

_____

In that moment, when Nori had laid back again and Dori’d gotten to his feet, Ori had darted back to his room quick as a flash, quietly closed his door and crawled away into his bed. And indeed, shortly after that Dori took a look into his room only to find him apparently asleep. He hadn’t been discovered.

But sleep eluded him that night.

In that short minutes he’d observed he’d seen and learned more about his brothers than his whole life so far.

He didn’t know if he was coming or going.

So much information.

So many impressions.

Things he couldn’t pin down. Things he’d never believed possible. Things he was glad about. Things that frightened him.

His brothers had hugged each other, had displayed affection and talked with each other like normal people. Dori had looked at Nori, treated him and spoken to him like to Ori himself. No disparaging glances or gestures, no reproaching, no lecturing and no arguing.

And Nori had cried.

His strong brother, who ventured into the most impossible and preposterous dangers, who was so cunning and smart, who was unable to be harmed by anything, who was never at a loss for a mischievous grin or a prank, had cried.

Had been scared.

He could no longer make sense of his world.

Just one thing he’d understood quite clearly. It was his fault. If he hadn’t asked this stupid question Nori wouldn’t have had this nightmare. He wouldn’t have cried. He wouldn’t have to be scared.

He’d had no intention to hurt his brother.

And like that his thoughts went round in circles again and again, over everything he’d seen until eventually the voice of his oldest brother disrupted his reflections.

He sounded angry even though he was neither bellowing nor yelling.

Ori sprang to his feet at once and headed for the door to carefully open it a bit. He could see as far as the living room where Dori stood in his dressing gown talking to somebody who had to be near the front door.

Nori!

Who else.

“… run off YET AGAIN! That you make yourself scarce as soon as the circumstances become a bit inconvenient for you.”

That sent an icy chill down his spine.

Nori wanted to go, wanted to make off, just like so many other times.

But normally Nori said goodbye, at least to him. He’d always kissed him on his brow and whispered some advice into his ear with a roguish smile on his lips that would’ve irritated Dori, no doubt.

Not this time. He wanted to leave. Without a farewell.

And it was his fault.

If he just hadn’t asked!

He couldn’t let Nori go like that. He never knew when he’d be back. Sometimes he was away for weeks, even months. He couldn’t…

Before he realised it he stood behind Dori in the living room door and looked guiltily up to Nori who’d already had the door knob in his hand.

“Please don’t go!”

Very slowly Nori turned around. For an instance a strange expression crossed his face, but the next moment he pressed his lips together so hard they lost any colour.

Ori swallowed. His brother was mad. Because of him. At him.

Why did he have to let himself get infected by Fíli and Kíli with that dragon-rubbish? Why did he have to be so damn curious?

He saw Nori breathing deeply. Ori didn’t know how, but his brother managed it somehow to move his lips apart to speak.

“I have to go, Ori. Important things to do.”

Important things?

He hadn’t mentioned earlier that he had to go. And now he wanted to secretly steal away...

For the first time for as long as he could remember, he didn’t believe Nori.

Ori felt his lower lip starting to tremble and his eyes to burn treacherously.

But he didn’t want to cry! He wasn’t a small child anymore!

“I...” His voice broke and he cleared his throat, desperately wrestling down his tears. “I didn’t want you to be mad at me!”

“Ori...,“ Dori breathed startled and a moment later he felt the hand of his oldest brother on his shoulder.

But even though this hand gave him security his eyes were still fixed on Nori. Nori who stood thunderstruck at the door and looked at him wide-eyed with various emotions playing across his eyes, most of them he couldn’t read. Sympathy was part of it. And guilt.

Ori didn’t dare to breathe.

But finally Nori let go of the door and seemingly at the next moment he was directly in front of him. His arms enveloped his shoulders and pressed him firmly against his chest, his left hand stroking through his hair.

Wrapped in the warmth and safety of his brother he lost his self-control. As much as he tried he wasn’t able to fight the tears anymore. He hid his face closer to Nori, sobbing quietly.

“Ori, I’m not mad at you! What makes you think something like that?”

_____

The look in Nori’s eyes while he was locking his younger brother firmly in his arms told Dori that he was at least as shocked as he himself by Ori’s remark. He’d expected everything, but this? Where did he get the idea that Nori was mad at him?

Nonetheless, he couldn’t stop himself from giving his younger brother who was looking at him confused a disapproving frown. He _had_ tried to warn him. He had no clue what Ori had worked out for himself to come to _that_ explanation, but he had known that the little one wouldn’t just _understand_ why Nori would go on the run at the drop of a hat.

Nori answered him with an eye-rolling, as if to say: “Seriously? _Now_ you come up with that?”

After a while Ori’s sobbing died down and totally subsided, but his fingers still clung to Nori’s cloak. When he finally began to speak, quiet and shakily at first, Nori’s hands paused their calming stroking of his head and back. Gently he placed them on Ori’s shoulders and pushed the boy off a bit so he could look at him and understand him better.

Dori could see his red eyes and cheeks clear as day, just like the uncertainty in his eyes.

“It… it’s all my fault!” Ori gasped out. “I shouldn’t have asked. I… I just wanted to know… but I didn’t want you to… to get nightmares,” he stammered incoherent and upset. “I didn’t know that you… and now… now you’re mad at me, because… you always say goodbye… always, Nori! I’m so sorry!”

And again soft sobs broke out of the young dwarf.

Dori’d loved nothing better than to hug him tight.

Of course! Why didn’t he think of that? Ori had always been sensitive and had tried so hard to keep the peace between his older brothers – even though it worked out rather rarely. Nori’s nightmare must have made him feel low; after all he’d never seen his roguish brother so vulnerable. And he’d concluded that it was connected to his questions.

Clever boy!

Or had he been standing at that door far longer than he’d realized?

No.

Not Ori.

Instead he resorted to folding his arms and scrutinizing Nori with a raised eyebrow.

Nori just rolled his eyes at him for an instance before he closed his eyes, sighing, to gather himself.

He placed his hands softly against Ori’s cheeks and leaned his forehead against his brother’s, a gesture of affection and intimacy. Besides, now he could look him in the eyes better.

“Ori, listen to me, okay? I’m not mad at you! And it’s so damn early that I didn’t want to wake you. That’s why, you see? And regarding the…,” for a moment he faltered, “the nightmare. This stuff happens. But that’s not your fault. There’s one thing you should know, Ori. I’m your brother and that means you can ask me anything. Always! You don’t have to be afraid, got it? Questions are a good thing! Be curious, then you’ll learn something, you hear me?”

Dori couldn’t do much more than shaking his head disbelievingly. On one hand he was shocked at how shamelessly Nori could lie to Ori’s face, and on the other hand it remained a mystery to him how Nori of all people – layabout, scoundrel, thief and scallywag – had such a good rapport with their youngest brother. They didn’t even see each other more than two weeks a year in total.

Ori attentively watches his brother and listened to every word, all the while still breathing a bit shakily to regain his calm. Nori had done it again. Even if he’d lied about the ‘not want to wake you’ part – which Dori took offence at – and about the ‘guilt for the nightmare’ part – for what Dori was nearly grateful – Nori had managed to put Ori’s agitated mind at rest and stole his thunder regarding the guilty conscience.

Nori smiled a mix of a gentle, brotherly and a roguish smile – the one that was just meant for Ori – and kissed his forehead lovingly.

“Love you, little one!”

Ori grinned faintly.

„Love you too, Nori.“

Nori broke their embrace very carefully. Dori knew that now the inevitable would follow – even if he found out that part of him was still hoping for the opposite. After all these years he still didn’t get it straight if he’d like to have Nori near him or at the other end of middle earth.

“Then you’re staying?” he heard Ori asking, so full of hope.

But one look at Nori made it clear to him that hope was in vain here. Ori may have been the reason for Nori to come back again and again but not even Ori could keep him here permanently.

Nori shook his head.

“I’m sorry, Ori, I have to go. But I’ll be back and visiting you. I promise!”

Sad and disappointed Ori’s shoulders slouched. Dori sincerely wondered how his brother could remain steadfast at the sight.

Nori tousled his little brothers hair playfully, shot a glance at Dori and finally stepped out of the door. Just moments later he was gone.

Again.

With a deep sigh Dori literally felt the additional weight of all the worries for his unreasonable brother on his shoulders.

_You won’t be able to run away forever, Nori._

_______

Ori gazed after his brother, distressed.

Nori had said goodbye and assured him that none of this was to blame on him. But why didn’t he feel relieved then? Why was there still this odd feeling, pressing against his chest?

He tried to concentrate on the basics. Nori had promised to come back. And he’d hugged him and talked to him, brow to brow. He really wasn’t mad otherwise he would’ve never had done that.

And this relief he clearly felt. He could’ve never forgiven himself if Nori’d been cross with him.

Sighing he watched his brother lightly kicking the door behind him and the door slowly snapping shut. And shortly before it closed all the way he saw it:

Nori rubbing his left hand.

At the same time the door latch clicked the pressure around his chest got stronger.

His brother was gone.

And it was his fault.

His alone.

 

End

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Anyone who found serious mistakes (spelling, grammar, etc.), let me know, so I can improve my english writing.  
> And feel free to leave comments ;-)


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